Fighting Through the Exhaustion

I am tired. No, I take that back. I am exhausted. The exhaustion is trying to speak to me and tell me it would be a much better idea to relax some more. “Sit back. Drink your whiskey, and listen to some chill tunes,” it tells me. Would I ever love to do that, only without that dreadful feeling of wasting an entire night and not accomplishing a single thing. What is worse is realizing that “Oh my god, it's 10pm!” Where the hell did the night go? I feel so much better with myself when I push through and get some work done rather than wasting away my time and feeling useless.

It's kind of like that childish thought that we have, you know the thought, the one where we think we'd love to eat that entire bag of chips or box of ice cream, but if we go through with it, we feel awful regret afterwards. As a kid, we take the risk and do it, but that's when we were learning. Now, we know the consequences. Learning consistency in writing works similarly. I feel like a child all over again testing the boundaries.

What I’ve been doing is hyperfocusing on that excitement and high that I get after I've written for a while and completed a thought or idea in the form of words. As I sit down at my computer, I imagine myself at the end feeling pumped and purposeful, and then I let my fingers fly across the keyboard and let the magic happen. As silly as it sounds, it works. Living out the feeling at the end is always as satisfactory as I imagined, which is why it continues to work. I am not tricking myself, I am just reminding myself of the pure bliss that comes after hard work.

Another way that I get amped and push past the exhaustion is to turn on that song, album or artist that is currently speaking to me and let it enter my veins. My head begins to bob, shoulders begin to move, and I let the music take over my body. I let my mind go. This mental state sometimes creates the most open and honest pieces. I am letting myself be free, and it feels so damn good.

At the end of writing this, I’m still exhausted, but I’m now exhilarated. I feel self worth and accomplished knowing I have nothing hanging over my head to regret. This accomplishment awakens me.

Say No to Bullshit

There are some days when I am more than motivated to hustle and get all of my shit done so I can keep progressing, keep moving and get the hell out of my mental rut. Then there are other days: Days when I can hardly get my brain to function and all motivation has slipped out the back door somewhere without my noticing. I was too busy talking to laziness, self-doubt, depression and procrastination. They're the kind of circle at a party that is hard to pull yourself away from. Each excuse for my escape is ripped away and replaced with a whisper to remain in the circle and a firm hand on the shoulder-- manipulative and strong.

My conscience doesn’t let me sit in this rut too long and reminds me to just get my ass up and do something. Yelling or running around outside for a bit can usually help me get going. If that doesn't work, then I just resort to getting my husband to encourage or really push me to kick it into gear. Even with this tactic, I can try to finagle my way out of acting by procrastinating more. I'll grab the broom and mop and scrub the floor till it's shining. I decide it's a good day for the dog to get a bath; I've been meaning to do that for days now. As I'm in the bathroom, I notice how the tub can use a good scrubbing and it goes on and on like this until something clicks in my brain, and I throw all of the bullshit out and sit down at my laptop and begin writing.

I say all of this because this is exactly how my day has looked so far. But here I am typing away on the keyboard and I think to myself, why does this happen time and again? How can I skip all of the bullshit and get to what I need to do. No, what I want to do, what I crave to do. If it is such a love for me then why can it be so difficult to sit down and just do? This is a thought worth pondering. No matter if it is writing, designing, counseling, managing, emailing, cleaning etc., why can we not just get over ourselves and make things happen? Eventually we will and we just wasted a lot of time somewhere in the middle brooding over the atrocious tasks set before us. Now, I do have to say, I am happy that my bathroom and floors are immaculately clean and that my dog is freshly bathed, but I could have done without the mental battle with those fake friends of mine. Why don't I have the heart to tell them, “You know what guys? This whole friendship thing isn't working out anymore, so let's call it quits.”  We would save a whole lot of time, energy and mind power if we could just say no to the bullshit and get working.

This is what I am choosing to do now and I hope by writing this I can remember for the next time (as in tomorrow) that I can just say “No.” See you later manipulation, I've got shit to get done, and I don't need you around.

Now, it’s time for you. Go get some shit done!